


The weight of the world

by RexxieRoulette



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Felix tries to help, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Open Ending, Panic Attacks, anger issues, changbin is a mess, self abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-20
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-07-14 16:30:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16044230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RexxieRoulette/pseuds/RexxieRoulette
Summary: Changbin loves people, most days.Today is not one of those days.





	The weight of the world

**Author's Note:**

> So this is pretty garbage IMO but I'm posting it to half vent, and half post something new. I'm mostly projecting how I've been feeling lately. I work a crap ton, so I have to deal with my boyfriend's needy self when I finally get days off, but he doesn't understand I want to be alone, so I tend to get panic attacks and release it with anger. 
> 
> I'm sorry if people don't like this. 
> 
> I'm half posting this as well, because I tend to feel really scared when my anger takes over. The last time it did, I was drunk af, bawling my eyes out on the Brooklyn Bridge at 3am after the GOT7 show and I tried to jump. 
> 
> So this is me venting.
> 
> Hope I post another story soon!

Most days Changbin loved people. Talking, interacting with them, joking around and laughing. Contrary to his brooding image and ‘i love dark’ personality, Changbin was very much a people person.

 

Except some days, he was not.

 

Some days Changbin felt this unbearable weight on his shoulders, an uncomfortable pressure on his chest as he spoke. But no matter how much he faked his smiles that never reached his eyes, feigned ignorance when someone asked if he was feeling OK, or decided to sit quietly instead of joining in on the joking around, Changbin couldn’t shake the feeling of suffocating. It was like the whole world was balancing haphazardly on his body, and one little movement would topple it over and everything would go to shit. So he chalked it up to anxiety and just bite his cheek in attempt to keep calm.

 

Today was one of the days he felt like the world was on his shoulders and just wanted to sleep. Or write. Writing always helped. But it was a day off for him and the guys, a rare occasion that often ended up with the 9 of them squished into a booth at a nearby restaurant or screaming profanity at one another at the nearby arcade. So Changbin wasn’t “allowed” to be alone on these days – Chan’s orders.

 

“It’s better for all of us to spend time with one another and blow off some steam!” The leader cheerfully announced, ignoring the groans from some members.

 

“I’m gonna blow off some steam on your head.” Changbin grumbled, rolling his eyes as he set his hat lower on his face, scowling slightly. It was bad enough he was sporting a pounding headache from _something_ he did yesterday – whether it was the countless hours of writing or staying up till 6am perfecting his dancing, Changbin didn’t really care. He didn’t look up when he heard one of the guys snort beside him, not caring if someone heard him or not.

 

“I’d pay to see you smack Channie over the head!” It was Jisung who spoke, before throwing his whole body over Changbin’s slouched frame. With a groan, Changbin adjusted rather than throwing the younger off, fully aware there was no real way of shaking him off.

 

“Who’s hitting Chan?” Woojin’s calm voice was heard from behind them. Changbin shook his head in response, hanging his head as he winced from the pain in his skull.

 

“Binnie said he would!” Jisung shot back, slapping a hand on Changbin’s back, hard.

 

“Ow you little shit. If you don’t get off me I’ll be slapping you instead.” He didn’t mean for the words to sound so rough, didn’t realize how throaty his voice sounded until he heard Jisung squeak and scamper off quickly, eyeing him wearily.

 

“Whoa! You ok Changbin?” Woojin asked, hand outstretched as he watched him.

 

“I’m fine!” He bit back, wincing at his raised voice hitting his ears and sending another wave of pain through his head.

 

“Changbin, just calm down. It was a joke.” Jisung’s voice sounded very small from where he stood behind Woojin, almost like a scared puppy. Eyes wide and lower lip pouting slightly, Felix would call him cute whenever he made that face, but right now Changbin only groaned again.

 

“You’re a joke.”

 

“Whoa! Hey. Lay off Changbin, Jisung was just playing around!” It was Chan who spoke, voice getting louder as he stormed into the room. “Watch your tone.”

 

Changbin bit back a retort, shutting his eyes tight as his headache only worsened. It was days like this that Changbin couldn’t _stand_ to be near people. So he turned on his heel and made to leave, but a hand on his wrist stopped him.

 

“Where are you going? We’re leaving for the arcade in 15.”

 

Changbin wretched his hand from Chan’s grasp, snarling slightly. “I’m not fucking going!” He didn’t miss the recoil from his voice from the younger members, all watching the exchange with wide eyes.

 

“Changbin! Language!” Woojin and Chan shouted in unison, Chan’s face going red from the argument. “What’s up with you today man?” Chan asked, eyebrows furrowed as he watched Changbin shuffle and wring his hands together.

 

“Nothing is wrong with me! I just don’t want to go sit at a fucking arcade with a bunch of children and do absolutely shit all.” Changbin snapped, turning to glare at their leader. “I actually want to be successful with my career, so I’m going to practice.” He didn’t miss the wince from Chan, or the darkened gaze from Woojin, but at the moment he couldn’t care less, so he turned on his heel, making to leave again.

 

Except someone was blocking his way.

 

“Hyung?” Felix’s deep voice rang out clear in front of him, eyes wide and hair ruffled slightly.

 

“Move Felix. I’m not in the mood for your games today.” Changbin shot back, making his way past the younger before Felix’s hand laced with his.

 

“Can you at least tell me what’s wrong?” Felix’s voice was just above a whisper, just enough so Changbin could hear him but no one else could. Changbin choked on a response, not used to such a calm Felix.

 

“No.” He bites back, trying to pry his fingers from Felix’s hold.

 

“Please?” Changbin’s eyes shot up at the sound, widening when they spot the telltale pout on the youngers lips. His freckles were on full display since they were in the dorm, an array of stars on the face of beauty before him. Felix knew Changbin couldn’t resist his pouty face, no matter the situation.

 

So Changbin sighed, lowering his head and nodding, before dragging the happy blonde with him to the studio. He heard Felix shout at the others to go on ahead over his shoulder, making Changbin wince at the loud noise but kept going. As they weaved through the hallways until they reached the soundproof studio built in, Changbin rounding the corner and throwing himself on the chair quickly. Felix stood at the door, waiting. When Changbin kept silent, hands on his head, fingers pulling at his hair lightly, he grumbled another string of unintelligible words.

 

“So?” He felt Felix sit beside him, but he refused to look up. The florescent lighting in the room too harsh on his sore eyes. So he just groaned in response, not bothering to move. “What’s wrong Binnie?”

 

Changbin cringed at the name still, choosing rather to ignore the name on most days. With a sigh, Changbin looked up, glaring. “I already told you nothing was wrong.” Felix wasn’t buying it though, simply narrowing his eyes and leaning forward.

 

“I’m not leaving you alone until you tell me what’s got you so angry today.” Felix folded his arms over his chest, glaring at the wall beside him. “And after that, you’re going to drag your sorry butt to the living room and apologize to Jisungie!”

 

“The hell I am.” Changbin spat back, leaning back against the chair. “I didn’t do anything wrong!”

 

“Really?” Felix quirked a brow, staring down at him. “So you didn’t call him a joke? You didn’t threaten to hit him?” Felix was raising his voice, Changbin knew he was being insufferable, but he could care less at the moment.

 

He just wanted to be alone.

 

“Just leave me alone Felix!” Changbin finally broke, a single tear escaping before he quickly swiped it away, angry he let his emotions out so quickly. Changbin watched at Felix’s eyes lost their edge, softening as they spotted the emotion boiling under the olders skin.

 

“Please Binnie.” Felix laid a tender hand on Changbin’s shoulder, squeezing slightly. “Just let me help you.”

 

“There isn’t anything you – or anyone else – can do! This is just how I am!” Changbin raised his voice, ignoring the way it cracked at the last syllable. His anger was dissipating quickly, leaving his body sore and tired. “I’m just a shitty person sometimes.” He slumped against the chair, hands in his hair as he pulled hard.

 

“Hey, shh. You’re not a shitty person!” Felix’s voice was dipping in worry, and Changbin knew if he was looking at the younger, he would have wide eyes and be chewing on his lower lip. “Binnie you need to stop doing that.” Felix tried to pry his fingers from his hair, but with no prevail.

 

“Why are you here? Why aren’t you with the others? I WANT TO BE ALONE!” Felix recoiled at Changbin shouting, but steeled his composure and stood. “Just leave me alone Felix. Please.” Changbin noted how broken his voice sounded, how tears tracked down his face in searing tracks. How his breathing was beyond unsteady, chest heaving with every labored, shaky breath. But he could care less. He continued to pull at his hair, reaching the scalp of his head and tugging, _hard_. He whimpered at the pain, the needles shooting through his head from his already there headache.

 

“I’m not going anywhere hyung, so please just _talk to me_.” Felix was pleading now, eyes watering as he watched the older abuse himself. Felix reached his hand out and splayed it on Changbin’s chest, inhaling sharply as he felt the olders rapid heart beat and irregular breathing. “Binnie please.” Felix lower his head, laying his forehead against the others.

 

Changbin shot his eyes open when he felt Felix’s forehead leaning against his own, breathing becoming hard from the proximity of the younger instead of just his panic attack. Unable to breathe properly, Changbin began to choke on his spit, twirling his chair around and falling to his hands and knees to find something stable to ground him.

 

“Changbin?! Are you ok? Do I need to call someone?” Felix was panicking now, hands frantically searching for something in the room, but coming up with nothing. “Changbin you need to breathe, please. We don’t need to talk, just please calm down.”

 

Changbin knew he should calm down, but there something in his mind that muddled everything but his flight or fight instincts, shredding his other abilities to just panic and anger. His limbs felt like his blood was lead, muscles aching and throat sore from yelling and whimpering. His fingers felt like daggers, sinking into his scalp every other minute as he tugged on his locks endlessly. His chest felt like the weight of the world was sitting on him, he couldn’t breathe properly or even struggle against the nonexistent pressure. Everything was muffled, everything but the pain.

 

Until he felt _it_.

 

Felix’s lips press against his in a chaste peck, so soft and fleeting, Changbin thought he imagined it. It was like his airways opened slightly, because his breathing slowed slightly, still rapid but easier to pull almost a full breath into his starving lungs. He chose to sit there for a few more minutes, ignoring the pounding in his head as he tried hard to steady his breathing. _‘Why would Felix kiss you of all people? He’s always all over Jisung. He obviously doesn’t like_ you _of all people.’_ Changbin winced at his thoughts, screwing his eyes shut tight and digging his nails into his palms as he counted down from 30, thinking of a set of lyrics he could recite to find all the letters to relax his racing mind.

 

He felt Felix’s own panic seeping off the younger as he sat across from him, but Changbin kept his eyes shut and tried to focus. When he finally opened his eyes, blinking rapidly, he watched the younger pulled back quickly, face bright red as he looked anywhere _but_ at Changbin. His voice was still wrecked, raspy and low from the overuse, but he still croaked out, “did you just?” Felix opened his mouth and closed it, repeating this 4 more times before casting his eyes down and nodding, fingers gingerly touching his lips.

 

“I know it’s the stupidest thing to do! I know that! But I freaked out! I couldn’t just sit there and watch you ..” Felix trailed off, blushing deeper. Changbin’s heart was still beating painfully against his ribs, but his mind was less muddled, more focused but still hazy.

 

“Do what?” He decided to ask, voice still breathy from his rough breathing.

 

“Kiss someone who’s having a panic attack.” Felix stated, balling his fingers into fists at his sides, still choosing not to look at Changbin. “You’re not supposed to touch them at all. I know that! My best friend back home would get them sometimes and I’d have to just _sit there_ , and watch, until he calmed down.” Felix chewed on his lip, to avoid it from quivering of to stop his voice from shaking, Changbin couldn’t tell exactly.

 

Changbin sighed, throwing his head back to hit the wall in a _thud_. “Oh, ow.” Felix gasped, eyes landing on his as Changbin rubbed the back of his head with a sheepish grin. “What?”

 

Felix groaned, running his hands over his face roughly. “What do you mean _what?_ Are you ok?!” Changbin blinked at the outburst, but shrugged. His breathing was still uneven, his head still throbbing, and his body sore, but he did feel less _weighed down_ , if that made sense?

 

It probably didn’t.

 

So Changbin shrugged, before moving to stand on shaky legs. “I should be fine, but I’m going to lay down.” He moved to the door, noticing Felix’s slumped frame staying on the ground. “Lix?” Felix looked up at the nickname, eyes weary as he watched the older stumble slightly.

 

“Yeah?”

 

Changbin choked on a response, before clearing his throat and whimpering at the pain. “I’m sorry.”

 

“For what Binnie.”

 

“That you had to see that.”

 

Felix blinked, confused. “See what? Everyone has bad days hyung! It’s nothing to be ashamed of.” Changbin winced at the term, more than used to his outbursts and anger being chalked up as _bad days_.

 

“It’s just some days, I just want to be alone. If that makes sense?” Changbin decided to explain, however broken his sentences would be, he figured he owed the younger. “I like people, I like you guys,” Changbin inhaled slowly, watching Felix as he said the last part just over a whisper. “I like _you_.” Felix’s eyes shot up to catch Changbin’s as the older continued. “But some days I just _can’t_ handle you guys. So I’d prefer if I could get days off, by myself.” He scratched the back of his head, uncomfortable under the watchful eyes of the younger. “And don’t worry! I’ll apologize to Chan and Jisung.” Changbin cleared his throat and waited, before turning to leave when Felix didn’t respond.

 

Maybe it was for the best?

 

Changbin didn’t know.

 

But he chose to leave before Felix could see the tears spilling over.

**Author's Note:**

> If I don't, you can probably guess why I won't.
> 
> Hope you didn't hate the one shot.
> 
> Much love,  
> Rexxie.


End file.
